How Can You Help

Yesterday was a rough day for us and I can’t imagine how much more so it has to be for my friend, (we’ll call her Jane) whose fiancée was killed. She left yesterday with his parents to fly to Dover AFB to meet his body. Our friends got together last night to commiserate and see what we can do to help her through these next few months. Instead of throwing her bridal showers and bachelorette parties we’re going to have to think of something else.

I’ll be honest and admit that I am pretty awkward about death. I just don’t know what to say or do, so I end up saying if you need anything let me know. But are they really going to come forth and say – I can’t get out of bed today, can you mow my lawn? I don’t want to be pushy because I know you’re dealing with a lot immediately surrounding the death, but I want them to know I care and am there for support if they need it. Grief and mourning are private processes and everyone deals differently so I don’t want to make assumptions about what they need or feel. How do you adequately express that your heart is breaking for them without placing a burden on them with your feelings? What can you possibly say to give them any comfort? Do they even want to be comforted?

I’ve never had a major loss in my life. Sure, grandparents have died, but it’s expected – they grow old, get sick and die. I don’t know what I would do in this situation, I only know that if I think “what if it was K who was killed?”, my heart drops. What do you do for someone when part of their heart is gone?